Right about now I wish I could see into the future.. if I choose this, what will happen? If I choose the other, what will happen?
Sometimes I kinda look back and laugh. You have a child and it is a radical shift in perspective, approach, personality. I can divide it up like a time line.. BC (before child) and PC (post child). How my Mother survived.. I am guessing in part is because ignorance is sometimes not just bliss.. it is the only means to retaining sanity. I suppose when you have a bunch of kids it is easier to let things slide with only 1 set of eyes to watch a small band of troublemakers all headed in opposite directions.
She just turned 13 and is towering over me as she is just shy of 5'9" with feet to match. When I look back at all the insane things I did at that age, I can't imagine letting go enough to see her do the same without a helmet, full body armor and an armed guard that has special forces training.
If we move.. she will be unplugged and no longer micromanaged. Going to hang with some friends no longer means crossing the cul-de-sac and having 6 options on just 1 block alone. It would be transformed into hop on bike, ride 1/4th mile down the way to see if the two sisters on the sheep farm aren't busy.
I haven't seen my Mom in a few years, since she stopped by on her way to Vegas to help my sister with 1st baby.. and then the second. Last time I did she was a whirlwind as always, but then she had a spell that at first they thought was a stroke, but thankfully wasn't... and now at 70, the whirlwind is tamed to a gentler gust. My sister, her husband and their 2 daughters have moved back to NY. NY was the first place in the States my Mom lived.. and 20 years ago she would have jumped without looking to head back there for awhile. Times have changed, NY has changed.. and the excitement, bustle, energy there for her registers more like overwhelming chaos.
She needs help on her farms. Like major help.. 95 acres worth. A farm that is left minimally attended can get swallowed up fast. She wants to be on her farm, but doesn't want to be alone, and can't swing it solo.
Dream choice for me, right? 2 farms that I would have carte blanche to do as I will.. 2 organic farms as neither has seen a drop of any insecticide, herbicide, etc. since they were purchased in the 80's. Already has solar panels on the big house, ancient orchards that are still producing despite decades of minimal at best care, without planting anything you can gather enough to live off the land.
If only it was that simple. It'd be rural.. uber- rural. I mean I could walk to the mailbox naked and the only thing I would permanently blind by my so white I'm blue, pasty Irish complexion is a herd of sheep. What to do with our house? Rent it? Can't sell it right now without losing everything.
I am going through the pros and cons.. the major stumbling block is my husband would leave a job to go to somewhere that we are not sure if he'd find work. Although out there, we'd have a chance to go back to school (and the schools there are better than here for our daughter).. but that would only be possible if we were almost entirely self sufficient. Then what..
I'll be mulling this over pretty much every waking second. Time to grab a pen and list the mess swirling in my mind.